Okay...so I grew up watching The Cosby Show, Family Ties, and other 80's sitcoms wondering why my parents weren't that cool. I wanted to grow up and be like them. It seemed like they always had the answers, never lost their cool, and their kids loved them. Kids who couldn't wait to get home and tell them about their day. Even once I knew that it was all scripts and directors, I still held on to those ideals. I wanted to be the perfect parent. My hypothetical children would never want for anything, would have amazing lives. When I was so sick that it looked like I would never have children, I was so depressed that I would never have the chance to try and give some sweet child a chance at that wonderful life. I ended up pouring my love into other people's children. The first time I held a baby, I was in love. I even changed his diapers...something I wouldn't do for any other baby in my life. He was the sweetest little guy. He was so precious and I would have died to protect him. It was the first time that I ever felt that way about anyone. As he grew, he was the smartest, funniest, and I saw him less and less. My friend had a second child and I had the pleasure of watching her as an infant also. I wanted nothing more than to love them forever...and I have continued to do so. Since then I have had my own children and realized that in the real world there are no perfect parents. Even those who believe that they have all the answers are just trying to do the best that they can. "Experts" in child-rearing are as baffled as we are. They are like expert astrologers checking star charts and studying ancient numerology to find answers to their deepest hopes and fears. They are right more often than meteorologists and about as culpable for their mistakes. If you believe the experts to the point that you try to be somebody that you are not, it is your children that suffer. It is amazing that even infants can tell when someone is disguising their true nature. Our children will look at us one day and think "who are my parents really?". This will happen because to them we don't have an identity beyond mom and dad until they are almost adults. Suddenly we become real people. If we have lived to just be mom and dad, what will we tell our children when they are trying to find their identity as young adults? Should we admit that we don't know who we are because we spent our lives being what they needed so they wouldn't be harmed by our true self? That we buried ourselves for their benefit? I'm not sure they would appreciate that. I have also watched more than one parent/child relationship fall apart at this point. Parents enter a crisis mode and children become angry because they are scared and frustrated by their own lack of understanding. My goals have changed since I first decided I wanted to be a mom. My kids need parents that can show them that life kinda sucks sometimes. That when life brings you low and you want to scream, you wait for a moment when you can let it all go. Hold it together so that you can make it through and then breathe, cry, scream, and move on. It's best not to direct these things at anyone or blame anyone or anything for the things that make you feel like screaming. We are human and will do that from time to time anyway. If we do, we ask for forgiveness. I know I have said it before and will say it again. I want my kids to grow up to be adults and I want to be the mom that my kids come home to because they just want a hug and warm bowl of soup. My kids already love me. What a Blessing! My little daughter wants to heal me when I hurt and hold me when I cry. She is my little angel. I make sure she understands that she doesn't have to be the adult yet, just holding my hand makes me feel so much better. She accepts that some day I will need her to take care of me because I won't be able to anymore. It is not a new concept for my family as I have been disabled for short periods and made frequent trips to the ER with my health issues. The kids fight over getting me things and helping me when I have mobility problems. It is my hope that there will never be a day when they will leave me laying on the floor because they just can't be bothered to help me up. Granted that I would hope that I wasn't laying there because I drank myself there. If that was the case, they really should step over me and keep walking. LOL!
You may be asking yourself why you are still reading. I can't tell you. I'm just pouring these thoughts into my computer and nothing is stopping me. Bwahahahha!
What started this little freight train of thoughts and ideas was reading Calvin and Hobbes. As a kid, I loved to read the comic strips because Calvin was imaginative and funny. He had great adventures and never left his backyard. It was awesome to me because we lived in apartments most of my young life without a yard. The closest I came to those types of adventures was when I went to day care. As of today, I realized that Calvin's parents were really cool. Not in a 80's sitcom kinda cool. In a real life kinda cool. They wondered what they did to have a child that they found loveable, entrancing, frustrating, and supremely imaginative. There were times when Calvin was having a great time with Hobbes and his parents were miserably trying to keep up. They weren't perfect parents. They lost their tempers, threatened, cajoled, and negotiated with their son. In the end, they didn't turn to their little guy and tell him that he was too old for toys, should go out and play with other kids, should try to be something other than what he was. His imagination was amazing to them, even as it caused some problems and could be frustrating. They accepted. They dealt. They did the best they could and nothing more. It is my belief that these wonderful parents must have been based on the artist's parents or himself. I have never looked up his bio and maybe I will later. It seems to me that a wonderful adult would be created by such a process of loving acceptance.
Remember: Perfect parenting is a myth. Don't believe it. Don't expect it. Children should see their parents as human beings who are doing the best they can. Parents should see themselves that way too. Here's to the wonderful art of being human.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Before I lay me down to sleep...
It has been said that thinking about death is morbid and a waste of time. I just can't agree. Even if you are a young'un, you should have life insurance that covers your final arrangements. As you get older, you should make new plans to cover your family and additional final expenses. A pine box dropped in a hole is no longer an option. Obviously, no one should obsess about dying. It shouldn't be something you concentrate on every day. Death shouldn't be a taboo that no one can allude to or suggest that they accept.
When I was about 8, I had my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I cannot remember what had happened. It felt like something that was insurmountable. Coping wasn't something I had ever had to do. My life had been wonderful up to that point. All of a sudden, things weren't the same. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. These thoughts and feelings bothered me. When I asked my mom, she said everyone has those thoughts and feelings. At twelve, I was obsessed with death. I would cry while watching nature shows on MPT Public Television. There were some difficult truths that I was struggling to understand. Quite frankly, I was receiving conflicting truths from adults at home and school. it was too much for a little thing that had hardly known strife in her life. It was easy to think that it would solve everyone's problems if I had just died. I had never lost anyone to death except our family dog. Without understanding, it didn't seem real. When I tried to talk to people, they didn't want to hear about it. No one wants to think about children dieing. Especially when it is the child talking about it. I understand now where they were coming from. My friends told me that people were sent to the local mental hospital for saying things like that. My guidance counselor told me I was delusional and belonged in the hospital. That is when I learned not to talk to people about death. It was always in the back of my mind. As I struggled through life with these thoughts rattling around in my head, other issues started to add to my anxiety. A sudden growth spurt lasting about a year that caused me to grown from 4 foot tall under 100 pounds to 5 foot with no real change in weight was a strain on me emotionally and physically. There were grumblings about how much I was eating. I finally began to look like a female at about 16. I had cried my eyes out over the failings of my body for years. Then I realized how much weight I had gained. I had been skipping lunches since I was 12. It wasn't anything to cut out a couple more meals a day. I would snack when I came home from school and eat enough dinner to make my parents happy. Sometimes I would lie and say I had already eaten a meal or leave the house saying I would eat out. Death became a more solid reality in my mind when I starved myself for a week during a school break. This was the first time my irregular heartbeat had become apparent to me. My chest hurt and I heaved, but there was nothing to come out. I immediately went downstairs and ate. My stomach hurt so badly for days as I ate and drank. All I could think was "They would have been sorry if I had just laid there and died." It hurt. The fact that death hurt was really scary to me as a teen. I suppose I had thought it would just happen. The Angel of Death would just take my soul away and I would never know until I "woke up" dead. I hid all of this behind a smile and a commitment to my studies and church youth group. There were a couple of adults that suspected something was wrong. They tried to corner me into revealing things through conversation. I had already learned that lesson. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice... It wasn't going to happen. I graduated from high school with only a B average for a GPA. It was years after this point before I was able to stand up on my own. My life was a mess of alcohol, self-loathing, a miscarriage, and an abusive relationship. I was able to overcome my eating disorder enough to gain weight, grow woman parts, and reach my adult height. I was paralyzed by anxiety. After working so hard to be able to eat entire meals, I was suddenly ill. I was unable to hold down food or drink. The doctors didn't know why. As I became weaker, my desire to just die became overwhelming. Eventually, I was put on ulcer meds and a strict diet. I recovered and fell ill again. When I was finally well enough to say that I could walk a mile, work a job, and clean the house in a single day...I moved back home. I started over. Years later, I have a family, wonderful husband, and awesome friends. My health has ups and downs. Anxiety and stress add enough strain on my physical self to cause my health problems to flare up. My constant battle with suicidal thoughts was easier once I let my husband know that it was bothering me. A couple years ago, I was put on medication to help me with my debilitating migraines. Unfortunately it intensified these feelings. It was very difficult on my family and friends. The truths that were revealed created yet more anxiety and stress. We worked through it all.
If you want to know what finally made death a sad reality rather than a goal for my life, it was the loss of my father. It was unexpected in that I had accepted the half truths he had given me about how well he was doing. The parade of self-blame, sadness, and other destructive emotions went through my head as I dealt with the loss. The reality of death is that it is those of us remaining on this earth that must handle all that is left behind by our loved one. The expenses of having a person laid to rest is astronomical. Hospital bills are bad enough, but you know that you owe them for making you well. Funeral homes don't give you that satisfaction. Ah for the days when you could lay your loved one out in the livingroom for burial in the backyard. It is this reality that keeps me from ever seeing suicide as an option. I no longer pray to God to take me while I sleep. Suddenly, I understand how devastating a loss can be to a family. Until I felt what it was to lose a parent, I could not understand. When I miscarried, it was hard enough and I had never held my baby or heard it's cries. So really, it was easier than this would ever be. I welcomed my kids into my grief. I included them as much as possible. There was the desire to protect them. I had to push that aside. If you protect kids from the realities of death and feelings that go with that loss, they will never understand. They won't know what to do to deal with their loss. They won't know that it isn't an option when life feels overwhelming. They will never be able to honestly offer compassion and consolation to friends and family who lose their loved ones. It is also important to recognize that not everyone parades their grief out for everyone to see. Just because someone doesn't fall on the ground weeping doesn't mean they aren't hurting. They just know that in reality someone has to make all the arrangements and sort through what is left behind. These are the ones that know no one will be helped by their outcry of hurt, loss, and suffering. It is up to us who are still living to make sure that we make arrangements so that our families can take care of the financial realities of our passing. That way they can move on the emotional healing that must follow. It is our job as parents to raise children that aren't afraid of death, can deal with loss, and know that it isn't an answer to anyone's problems.
When I was about 8, I had my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I cannot remember what had happened. It felt like something that was insurmountable. Coping wasn't something I had ever had to do. My life had been wonderful up to that point. All of a sudden, things weren't the same. I couldn't put my finger on what it was. These thoughts and feelings bothered me. When I asked my mom, she said everyone has those thoughts and feelings. At twelve, I was obsessed with death. I would cry while watching nature shows on MPT Public Television. There were some difficult truths that I was struggling to understand. Quite frankly, I was receiving conflicting truths from adults at home and school. it was too much for a little thing that had hardly known strife in her life. It was easy to think that it would solve everyone's problems if I had just died. I had never lost anyone to death except our family dog. Without understanding, it didn't seem real. When I tried to talk to people, they didn't want to hear about it. No one wants to think about children dieing. Especially when it is the child talking about it. I understand now where they were coming from. My friends told me that people were sent to the local mental hospital for saying things like that. My guidance counselor told me I was delusional and belonged in the hospital. That is when I learned not to talk to people about death. It was always in the back of my mind. As I struggled through life with these thoughts rattling around in my head, other issues started to add to my anxiety. A sudden growth spurt lasting about a year that caused me to grown from 4 foot tall under 100 pounds to 5 foot with no real change in weight was a strain on me emotionally and physically. There were grumblings about how much I was eating. I finally began to look like a female at about 16. I had cried my eyes out over the failings of my body for years. Then I realized how much weight I had gained. I had been skipping lunches since I was 12. It wasn't anything to cut out a couple more meals a day. I would snack when I came home from school and eat enough dinner to make my parents happy. Sometimes I would lie and say I had already eaten a meal or leave the house saying I would eat out. Death became a more solid reality in my mind when I starved myself for a week during a school break. This was the first time my irregular heartbeat had become apparent to me. My chest hurt and I heaved, but there was nothing to come out. I immediately went downstairs and ate. My stomach hurt so badly for days as I ate and drank. All I could think was "They would have been sorry if I had just laid there and died." It hurt. The fact that death hurt was really scary to me as a teen. I suppose I had thought it would just happen. The Angel of Death would just take my soul away and I would never know until I "woke up" dead. I hid all of this behind a smile and a commitment to my studies and church youth group. There were a couple of adults that suspected something was wrong. They tried to corner me into revealing things through conversation. I had already learned that lesson. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice... It wasn't going to happen. I graduated from high school with only a B average for a GPA. It was years after this point before I was able to stand up on my own. My life was a mess of alcohol, self-loathing, a miscarriage, and an abusive relationship. I was able to overcome my eating disorder enough to gain weight, grow woman parts, and reach my adult height. I was paralyzed by anxiety. After working so hard to be able to eat entire meals, I was suddenly ill. I was unable to hold down food or drink. The doctors didn't know why. As I became weaker, my desire to just die became overwhelming. Eventually, I was put on ulcer meds and a strict diet. I recovered and fell ill again. When I was finally well enough to say that I could walk a mile, work a job, and clean the house in a single day...I moved back home. I started over. Years later, I have a family, wonderful husband, and awesome friends. My health has ups and downs. Anxiety and stress add enough strain on my physical self to cause my health problems to flare up. My constant battle with suicidal thoughts was easier once I let my husband know that it was bothering me. A couple years ago, I was put on medication to help me with my debilitating migraines. Unfortunately it intensified these feelings. It was very difficult on my family and friends. The truths that were revealed created yet more anxiety and stress. We worked through it all.
If you want to know what finally made death a sad reality rather than a goal for my life, it was the loss of my father. It was unexpected in that I had accepted the half truths he had given me about how well he was doing. The parade of self-blame, sadness, and other destructive emotions went through my head as I dealt with the loss. The reality of death is that it is those of us remaining on this earth that must handle all that is left behind by our loved one. The expenses of having a person laid to rest is astronomical. Hospital bills are bad enough, but you know that you owe them for making you well. Funeral homes don't give you that satisfaction. Ah for the days when you could lay your loved one out in the livingroom for burial in the backyard. It is this reality that keeps me from ever seeing suicide as an option. I no longer pray to God to take me while I sleep. Suddenly, I understand how devastating a loss can be to a family. Until I felt what it was to lose a parent, I could not understand. When I miscarried, it was hard enough and I had never held my baby or heard it's cries. So really, it was easier than this would ever be. I welcomed my kids into my grief. I included them as much as possible. There was the desire to protect them. I had to push that aside. If you protect kids from the realities of death and feelings that go with that loss, they will never understand. They won't know what to do to deal with their loss. They won't know that it isn't an option when life feels overwhelming. They will never be able to honestly offer compassion and consolation to friends and family who lose their loved ones. It is also important to recognize that not everyone parades their grief out for everyone to see. Just because someone doesn't fall on the ground weeping doesn't mean they aren't hurting. They just know that in reality someone has to make all the arrangements and sort through what is left behind. These are the ones that know no one will be helped by their outcry of hurt, loss, and suffering. It is up to us who are still living to make sure that we make arrangements so that our families can take care of the financial realities of our passing. That way they can move on the emotional healing that must follow. It is our job as parents to raise children that aren't afraid of death, can deal with loss, and know that it isn't an answer to anyone's problems.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Winter 2012- Anime and Drama
Here are my picks for this season.
K-Drama:
Kimchi Family
I am really enjoying this series. It has an uplifting quality to it that you don't find everyday. The comedic elements are seamlessly part of the dialogue and overall story. The suspense and drama of the mystery behind Ki Ho Tae will pull you in. You will find yourself rooting for him and the daughters of Earth and Man. Definitely a must see for those of you that love live action drama. If you have never watched a K-drama before, this is a good place to start as it explores some of the most basic elements of Korean culture.
Anime:
Back for a 4th series Natsume Yuujinchou Shi
I have loved this anime from the first episode I watched. Natsume Takashi is a pleasant boy who has the ability to see yokai (earthbound spirits). He can interact with them and their world. Unfortunately, this causes a bit of strife as it unnerves the people around him. As he grows, he begins to accept himself and others more readily. This is one of the better "coming of age" stories I have followed. I didn't expect it to become that because I was originally just watching for the supernatural element. Japanese ghost stories are my favorite.
New for this year Ano Natsu De Matteru
This is a wonderful and amusing "slice of life" series. The feel of this anime is like Haruhi Suzumiya married with Please Teacher and Super 8. A group of friends decide to make a movie together over summer break. Aliens, love, and the innocence of youth all wrapped up together. Watch it, you won't regret it.
K-Drama:
Kimchi Family
I am really enjoying this series. It has an uplifting quality to it that you don't find everyday. The comedic elements are seamlessly part of the dialogue and overall story. The suspense and drama of the mystery behind Ki Ho Tae will pull you in. You will find yourself rooting for him and the daughters of Earth and Man. Definitely a must see for those of you that love live action drama. If you have never watched a K-drama before, this is a good place to start as it explores some of the most basic elements of Korean culture.
Anime:
Back for a 4th series Natsume Yuujinchou Shi
I have loved this anime from the first episode I watched. Natsume Takashi is a pleasant boy who has the ability to see yokai (earthbound spirits). He can interact with them and their world. Unfortunately, this causes a bit of strife as it unnerves the people around him. As he grows, he begins to accept himself and others more readily. This is one of the better "coming of age" stories I have followed. I didn't expect it to become that because I was originally just watching for the supernatural element. Japanese ghost stories are my favorite.
New for this year Ano Natsu De Matteru
This is a wonderful and amusing "slice of life" series. The feel of this anime is like Haruhi Suzumiya married with Please Teacher and Super 8. A group of friends decide to make a movie together over summer break. Aliens, love, and the innocence of youth all wrapped up together. Watch it, you won't regret it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Bullying Isn't Child's Play
Bullying is not something that only happens to children. The kids that bullied and terrorized others in elementary school grow up. They become someone's spouse, parent, co-worker or boss. People that have to deal with these people on a daily basis feel the same way as the kids that were tormented in school. If you are one of these people, you need to take steps to end the bullying. The devastating effects can affect every aspect of your life. It is not easy as an adult to address this issue. The majority of the resources on the web seem to be for children and parents. Bullies come in many varieties and are certainly not only found in schoolyards.
Identifying what constitutes bullying may be the best place to start. According to StopBullying.gov:
This is a universal definition and includes many issues that face our society today. A bully could ride the subway next to you everyday and never say a word to you. That person may even appear unassuming to the outsider. When they get to work, they could be someone that uses their position to torment others verbally/sexually/physically, bolstering their own ego and/or obtaining personal benefits from unwilling benefactors. The adults that are being bullied in these situations feel like they cannot help themselves. They dread going to work. Their personal lives start to suffer as this goes on. If they tell someone about the abuse, will anyone believe them? They are grown-ups. They are supposed to be able to deal with this on their own. This is completely untrue. A bully takes away your personal power, robs you of your security, and causes you to question your own judgement and abilities. Many workplaces have an HR department that can help you report a bully and address the issue. Being bullied is not a reflection on you as a person. It can happen to anyone.
Bullying such as abuse of spouses, children, and seniors can be addressed with your local Social Services. When we see reports on TV or in the newspapers about victims of abuse, we often wonder why no one reported it sooner. The social media asks for more vigilance on the part of authority in schools, workplaces, and even neighborhoods. People who report the abuse to the authorities open themselves up to becoming a target of the abuser. Many are not willing to take that risk. Social Services are overwhelmed by reports of abuse and are limited by budget and number of hours in a day. This can lead to drawn out feuds in which the abuser attempts to intimidate the accusers into silence. It can take the form of manipulative persuasion, invalidating the accusations by casting doubts about the accuser, or outright physical confrontation. The people who report abuse and stand up for themselves until the situation is address are the real heroes. It takes a lot to see these things through to the end. What this really means is that there are a lot of bullies getting away with their abusive behaviors every day. Their victims are some of the most vulnerable among us and rely on their tormentor for love and support.
To locate help for the abused: US Department of Health and Human Resources: Administration for Children and Families
I will admit to having been the victim of bullies many times in my life. It is very difficult to remind yourself that the hurtful things bully say and do are not true reflections of who you are. Especially when the same tactics have been used consistently throughout your life by people that you trusted and loved. At some point, you stop and think that different people wouldn't feel that you had to be "reminded" of your inadequacies if you didn't have an overwhelming number of them. When you finally release yourself from the power of a bully, don't look back. If that person tries to re-enter your life with promises of reconciliation, apologies, and a "new start", it is up to you as to whether or not you want these things. They can only be a part of your life if you allow them. I would suggest that you propose professional counseling with a mental health professional. Most bullies will reject this immediately, revealing their contriteness and apologies to be further manipulation. They don't want help. They want to regain the perceived power that they had lost when you had ceased to be influenced by their tactics. Don't underestimate or undervalue the recovery process. Don't be ashamed to obtain professional counseling. Protect yourself from future attempts by others to bully you. It is easy to fall back into old patterns that feel comfortable. Before you know it, you are in the same situation and all that have changed are the names and faces.
Remember to love, respect, and honor yourself as well as those around you. Do not surrender your basic rights to anyone and accept that you should not allow others to surrender theirs for others either. We are all humans who deserve to be treated as such.
Identifying what constitutes bullying may be the best place to start. According to StopBullying.gov:
"Although definitions of bullying vary, most agree that bullying involves:
- Imbalance of Power: people who bully use their power to control or harm and the people being bullied may have a hard time defending themselves
- Intent to Cause Harm: actions done by accident are not bullying; the person bullying has a goal to cause harm
- Repetition: incidents of bullying happen to the same the person over and over by the same person or group"
This is a universal definition and includes many issues that face our society today. A bully could ride the subway next to you everyday and never say a word to you. That person may even appear unassuming to the outsider. When they get to work, they could be someone that uses their position to torment others verbally/sexually/physically, bolstering their own ego and/or obtaining personal benefits from unwilling benefactors. The adults that are being bullied in these situations feel like they cannot help themselves. They dread going to work. Their personal lives start to suffer as this goes on. If they tell someone about the abuse, will anyone believe them? They are grown-ups. They are supposed to be able to deal with this on their own. This is completely untrue. A bully takes away your personal power, robs you of your security, and causes you to question your own judgement and abilities. Many workplaces have an HR department that can help you report a bully and address the issue. Being bullied is not a reflection on you as a person. It can happen to anyone.
Bullying such as abuse of spouses, children, and seniors can be addressed with your local Social Services. When we see reports on TV or in the newspapers about victims of abuse, we often wonder why no one reported it sooner. The social media asks for more vigilance on the part of authority in schools, workplaces, and even neighborhoods. People who report the abuse to the authorities open themselves up to becoming a target of the abuser. Many are not willing to take that risk. Social Services are overwhelmed by reports of abuse and are limited by budget and number of hours in a day. This can lead to drawn out feuds in which the abuser attempts to intimidate the accusers into silence. It can take the form of manipulative persuasion, invalidating the accusations by casting doubts about the accuser, or outright physical confrontation. The people who report abuse and stand up for themselves until the situation is address are the real heroes. It takes a lot to see these things through to the end. What this really means is that there are a lot of bullies getting away with their abusive behaviors every day. Their victims are some of the most vulnerable among us and rely on their tormentor for love and support.
To locate help for the abused: US Department of Health and Human Resources: Administration for Children and Families
I will admit to having been the victim of bullies many times in my life. It is very difficult to remind yourself that the hurtful things bully say and do are not true reflections of who you are. Especially when the same tactics have been used consistently throughout your life by people that you trusted and loved. At some point, you stop and think that different people wouldn't feel that you had to be "reminded" of your inadequacies if you didn't have an overwhelming number of them. When you finally release yourself from the power of a bully, don't look back. If that person tries to re-enter your life with promises of reconciliation, apologies, and a "new start", it is up to you as to whether or not you want these things. They can only be a part of your life if you allow them. I would suggest that you propose professional counseling with a mental health professional. Most bullies will reject this immediately, revealing their contriteness and apologies to be further manipulation. They don't want help. They want to regain the perceived power that they had lost when you had ceased to be influenced by their tactics. Don't underestimate or undervalue the recovery process. Don't be ashamed to obtain professional counseling. Protect yourself from future attempts by others to bully you. It is easy to fall back into old patterns that feel comfortable. Before you know it, you are in the same situation and all that have changed are the names and faces.
Remember to love, respect, and honor yourself as well as those around you. Do not surrender your basic rights to anyone and accept that you should not allow others to surrender theirs for others either. We are all humans who deserve to be treated as such.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
And in My Dreams....
I woke up from a wonderful dream this morning when the alarm decided to go off. It was one of many like it that I have had over the years. In my formative years, I was not someone that idolized celebrities, singers, or public figures. I did not believe that one day I would swept off my feet by one of these popular and attractive people. Perhaps this is why I would have dreams with romantic overtones about people that I did not know. It would always be someone that I would find attractive and looked like someone you might actually meet in real life. I started referring to these fantasy men as Totally Possible Guy. Last night my TPG was a fairly attractive guy with short dark hair, a square jaw, proportionate nose, gorgeous lips, and beautiful brown eyes. He seemed to be somewhere between his late twenties and early thirties. Surprisingly, even as a teenager my Totally possible Guy was usually in this age range or older. It explains some of the men I dated. In my dream, I was at a Renaissance Faire that I have never attended as I do not believe it exists, although it has appeared in other dreams. Although no one I know was in my dream, I did think about some of my friends and even an ex-bf during the dream. We were both in costume and interacting with the re-enactors. It was a really fun dream. Although it was romantic in nature, there was no sex. :p Normally my Totally Possible Guy is as big a geek as I am. Some of these dreams have felt so real and covered such a span of time that I am almost brokenhearted to wake up and face my real life. it my husband concerned about this? Not really. He is so awesome. I have experience with guys that are so insecure that even a dream about a fictitious person would be grounds for anger and jealousy. Lame. It seemed unbelievable that I could maintain a relationship with one person for more than a short period of time. I have now been married for more than 11 years. It hasn't always been perfect or easy. In real life, relationships take time and effort. Romance isn't all about sex or how much of yourself you can give to the other person. It is about sharing your life, your burdens, your responsibilities, and your dreams. If you cannot trust your sweetheart with these basic pieces of yourself, the relationship is going to be very difficult on both of you. My husband and I also share related hobbies, interests, and workplace. He is the best significant other I have ever had. I am looking forward to buying him his Valentine's Day chocolates. :) It is always a joy to see his face light up over his gift. Why do I not get the chocolates? Because I don't really like chocolate that much. I prefer the Japanese tradition. On White Day, I get my goodies and they are much cooler than chocolate.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Is There a Theme?
When I started this blog, there was a purpose. Tried to keep this all rainbows and sunshine, discussing anime and related issues. Over the years there has been a change. A deep change in me and how I approach the world. It seems that in trying to reach some ideal, I had left myself behind in the dust. In 2010, it was like my shadow had suddenly reached me. There were some issues that had remained unresolved. Over the course of 2010 and 2011, I addressed those issues. It wasn't easy and sometimes was very painful. Ever since then, I have found it difficult to be all rainbows and sunshine. Life doesn't work that way for me anymore. There was a certain realism that I had always tried to maintain without ever noticing that I have a real problem with reality.
This year marks the beginning of the rest of my life. My little daughter is growing up. it's important that a mother really be a mother when the girls start on that road towards puberty. Lies and convenient truths are a waste at that age. It doesn't prepare her for anything that she will face in her life. Just because my life wasn't always perfect doesn't mean I have to try and accomplish anything through her. She is her own person. If I am lucky, she will be a stronger, smarter, better person that I have ever been. My girl has a strong core. It is more than possible that I always had that too and that is why I am still here. People spent a lot of time and effort telling me what I couldn't do. I wasted a lot of time believing them. I want my daughter to believe in herself. I want her to have a solid foundation in reality without losing her imagination. With that, I hope she can push back at people that want to tell her who she is, what she can't do, and that she has to settle for whatever those people allow her to have.
The theme for this blog has become a narrative of observations from my everyday life. I realize this wouldn't be interesting for most people. Unfortunately, I don't care. :D
This year marks the beginning of the rest of my life. My little daughter is growing up. it's important that a mother really be a mother when the girls start on that road towards puberty. Lies and convenient truths are a waste at that age. It doesn't prepare her for anything that she will face in her life. Just because my life wasn't always perfect doesn't mean I have to try and accomplish anything through her. She is her own person. If I am lucky, she will be a stronger, smarter, better person that I have ever been. My girl has a strong core. It is more than possible that I always had that too and that is why I am still here. People spent a lot of time and effort telling me what I couldn't do. I wasted a lot of time believing them. I want my daughter to believe in herself. I want her to have a solid foundation in reality without losing her imagination. With that, I hope she can push back at people that want to tell her who she is, what she can't do, and that she has to settle for whatever those people allow her to have.
The theme for this blog has become a narrative of observations from my everyday life. I realize this wouldn't be interesting for most people. Unfortunately, I don't care. :D
Thursday, January 12, 2012
---Insert Witty Title Here---
Everyone seems to be on a diet. New year...new torturous eating habits. Seriously, I would be happy if I could just eat the things I want more often. Lately I have been totally selfish at the grocery store and bought things that I like. I bought all sorts of cheese, crackers, veggies with dip, Cuties, and whatever else struck my fancy. Then I found out that the rest of my family enjoyed these things too. Who knew? Personally I cannot diet. Each and every time I try there is this gradual descent into anorexia. Let me tell you that that will put fat on you faster than you can lose it. As soon as your body thinks it is not receiving the nutrients it is supposed to, it breaks down the fat reserves and puts your body on alert. As soon as you eat anything, it is all converted into fat if not used immediately. That's because your body thinks it may be a long time before it sees food again. It wants to store that to make through the famine. Unfortunately, there isn't one. Eating disorders aren't just something young girls have. Not all people that suffer from anorexia are dangerously thin. I was lucky enough to "recover". When I was a young girl, I was really lucky to find myself living with caring people that helped me learn how to eat and still like myself. After having children and periodic episodes of disability, I have gained weight. I have not found any help from my doctors although they are the first to tell me I need to lose weight. Counseling seems to be the only answer I get. I have done my research and know what I should be doing according to the latest available theories. In my opinion, all diets are just fads. My ideal diet is two meals a day with a snack for breakfast. What would my meals consist of?
Each meal would have one of the following:
A Meat: Fish, Chicken, Beef, Lean Pork, or Eggs
A Veggie: Green Yummy Things, Hominy, Kimchi, Carrots, and whatever else.
A Fiber/Starch/Carb: Rice, Pasta/Noodles, Potato, or Bread
This seems simple right? Then you come home from work and just can't decide what to eat. In the fridge are a bunch of veggies in distress. They were bought a while ago and never cooked because the time and/or motivation was just not there. What do we end up eating? Something simple to cook like ramen, canned veggies, frozen chicken nuggets... Or worse... fast food. This does not help me lose weight. I beat myself up and feel like I will never be attractive again. Then my husband, friends and family all come to the rescue. They build me up and keep me supported while I struggle with all of this. They are really awesome people. I am hoping that eventually I will rebuild my relationship with food. I have been working on it since I realized there was a problem when I was 18 years old. It isn't something that you just "get over". That's right up there with the concept that you will never wake up one day and no longer be mentally ill. Bon Appetit as you starve yourselves, eat cardboard, or bland roughage. Hope it works out.
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